Ghetto Blanching & the Easiest Asparagus Ever

First, let me say that this recipe is probably on my top 5 list of favorite dishes. Not only that, but it is prob the EASIEST dish I make (and indeed, I force my friends to try making it if they're in the kitchen w/ me). There may be more complex dishes, more flavorful dishes, but as you'll see below, this is the dish that I'm most proud of.

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I have an ongoing love/hate relationship w/ blanching. I mean, it's definitely one of the most important/useful techniques I've learned for preparing veggies. It's simple enough: bring a big ass pot of (heavily salted) water to a boil, plunge veggies in for a coupla min so that they essentially par-cook, and then plunge the veggies into an ice bath so that they stop cooking.

On one hand, I love this technique bc it preserves the veggies' inherent texture (crispiness, firmness, etc), brightens its colors, and infuses it w/ a nice amount of flavor. With blanching, soggy, overcooked veggies shouldn't be a big problem anymore, so why am I not all gung-ho about blanching?

Well, on the other hand, the 2 utensils critical to blanching (my big ass pot and big ass bowl that holds ice water), also coincidentally happen to be the 2 utensils that don't really fit in my dishwasher. Now, I love cooking. I love thinking about flavors, textures, and I get all excited when I think of something new to create. But, I hate washing dishes. I REALLY hate washing dishes.

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Well, a segue is needed here, along with some insight into my Apt dynamics. You see, I live w/ 2 roomies that are pretty cool. I've known them since law school and to this day, we remain homies/homiettes. They also allow me to indulge my random crazy/whacky cooking desires bc they generously split the grocery bills w/ me (thus allowing me to do things like buy 5 diff kinds of mustard. Elaine/Jason, if you're reading this, I'm kidding. Maybe). Ah, but like every relationship, there's an occasional thing or two that bugs.

My roomies, you see, are pretty good at eating. I suppose this is logical, since they've been doing it their whole lives. However, while their eating skills are quite developed (indeed, they can eat with the best of them), tragically, it appears that their dish-washing skills haven't quite progressed in the same manner. Normally, this isn't that big of a problem and we can all be :) thanks to that wondrous piece of modern technology, the dishwasher (and free water). But alas, though I am grateful that Mr. Dishwasher graciously washes the dishes as our 4th roomie, even he can't handle big ass pots/bowls.
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OK OK OK. So back to the story. I had to come up w/ some sorta solution since I wasn't going to give up the deliciousness that blanching creates, but I also didn't big ass pots/bowls to be the reason I wanted to kill my roomies. So, since blanching is essentially quickly par-cooking the veggie, I had to figure out a way to quickly heat up the veggie and then to quickly cool it so that it stops cooking.

That's when my inner nerd realized I already had the perfect tool for that: the Microwave! Yes, seriously, the Microwave. Allow me to explain.

Ah, the Beauty of Ghetto-Blanching: How It (I Think) Works:

While I generally shun the microwave bc I'm a giant food snob, I realized that it would allow me to essentially ghetto-blanch veggies. Basically (and this is based on my grade school-level science background so I may be spectacularly wrong here), microwaves heat up food by: (1) enveloping the food with microwaves (tada!); (2) which then causes the moisture molecules in the food to rapidly dance around; and (3) generates a bunch of friction and thus, heats up the food. Not only are microwaves able to "boil" food faster than damn near anything else, more importantly, it also cools down much faster bc the heat is dependent on a constant stream of microwaves. Thus, once the microwave turns off, the molecules stop moving, and the food cools down (comparatively) rapidly.

Or, here's the easiest way to understand this principle: Imagine you're at a club w/ lusty ppl. The DJ announces that it's 12:55 am, and finally plays that record he's been saving the whole night, the one that he KNOWS will get the club crazyyyyy. So, he plays the record, everyone hops up and down like a maniac and screams "OH SHIT I LOVE THIS SONG," and dance furiously. Buttt, 1:00 am soon hits (along w/ last call), and just like that, all the energy and excitement in the club instantly dissipates. The lights will prob come on, and no one wants other ppl to see them in normal lighting, thus ensuring that ppl will stop dancing and scurry the hell out of there.

Yup, ghetto blanching is the same concept. Got it right? ;)

The key to this dish is to use a microwave-proof tupperware container that's long enough to hold the asparagus. And, well, that's pretty much it. :) This is beautiful bc the asparagus comes out crisp/tender everytime, and it's so versatile that you can even prepare it at home, take it to work, and then pop it in the microwave. Finally, once you understand the concepts behind this technique, it is extremely versatile, and you can do things like par-cook potatoes so that it's easier to make crispy home fries, or even adding fish/veggies/sauce together to cook it en papillote-ish.

Ghetto Blanching & the Easiest Asparagus Ever

INGREDIENTS:

- 1 bunch of asparagus
- Zest of half a lemon (a Meyer lemon works beautifully here, otherwise, a regular lemon works too)
- Splash or two of good olive oil
- Salt/pepper, to taste
- Grated Parmesan, to taste

STEPS:

1. Trim the asparagus by snapping off (or cutting) the woodsy stalks at the bottom.
2. Splash olive oil on asparagus (should be just enough to lightly coat). Add zest, salt, and pepper.
3. Now here's the critical part. Cover your tupperware container but leave a little space so that steam from can escape. 
4. Pop the tupperware into the microwave and cook on High for 2:30 min to 3:00 min. You'll have to experiment on the exact length of the cooking time (depending on how strong your microwave is), but it's best to err on cooking it for a shorter period of time. If it's not quite done, you can always pop it back in for another 10-15 sec. Also, remember that the asparagus will continue to briefly cook when you remove it from the microwave, so resist the urge to continually nuke because you want to "make sure" it's done. No need.
5. If done properly, the asparagus should look bright green, the outside will have a nice, crisp snap, and the inside will be a little tender. Squeeze on some lemon juice, grate some Parmesan, and enjoy.